Wow, so realized I have been neglecting this...

I guess I've been busy with work and just not caring about anything anymore. I have been slacking at the gym, guys suck and my life is not what I want it to be at all. I know I am complaining and I could change everything but I just don't want to make an effort anymore. I find myself always tired, bored and have no energy to do anything.

I guess I am using this blog as a diary just letting all my feelings and thoughts out. I am sorry if I offend or make people uncomfortable. 

 BOYS:

I thought I got a boyfriend but guess I wasn't for him or so he tells me, it's cuz Im not thin and I'm not enough for him. He is more kinky then I am but still shouldn't he be giving me a chance? Of course I'm not going to be open about sex and do what he likes because I hate the way I look. All the time when I have sex the lights are off and my shirt stays on or if its a tube top I'll pull boobs out. Sorry to much to say haha. 

So, I am on a sex website, why I have no clue....it's a site where people meet other for sex pretty much or whatever they choose. I have met some guys it was alright, but the ones I did like I got attached to and guess what? they did not want me or just to have fun. I am tired of all that. I want a boyfriend or someone who cares about me. I think I may have found him tho he isn't looking for anything serious right now but we spend so much time talking and we hang out not just to fool around but to hang out. 

FOOD & GYM:

So, I started out strong at the gym and now seems like I don't care much anymore.  My eating has gone down hill big time. I find myself binging til I can't eat anymore and want to puke tho I rarely make myself. And then other days I don't want to eat anything. I am tired of looking at myself in the mirror and hating myself. So many times I have thought about taking a knife and just cutting myself just to get rid of this fat. I want to go die hard at the gym again and I think I will do just that. Eat one meal a day and after the gym have a piece of fruit or a veggies of any kind. I will have to make myself a workout schedule cuz the one right now is just not doing anything for me. And food wise, I don't have much to work with right now since I haven't gone grocery shopping so yay have no food to eat. Tho I do have a lot of peppers, I'll just eat those lol. 

LIFE:

I HATE HATE HATE. I just don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to work, don't want to hang out with anyone not that I have friends, I don't maybe 2 if you count them as friends. I suck at talking to people yet I work at a clothing store. lately I've been just sad and just want to cry, maybe I will do that Wednesday since I have the day off, have a cry fest and hot the gym. I know I may sounds crazy and I think I might be. I sort of want to see a therapist but scared to mention it to anyone. I just want someone to listen to me as I blab about anything even if it is bad. Like why I need the approval of people, why I feel like I have to have sex with a guy even if I barely know them. I am just tired about everything. I am now beginning to stress about bills I can't afford to pay anything anymore. I just don't want to sometimes as bad as that is, wish I made different choices in life. 

Well I guess I am done ranting for now, to go to sleep and wake up and go to work and yes I am going to the gym, going to work hard and eat less or I will try....I think it's cuz I've been way to emotional....hate when I eat my feelings haha

Well Good night World.

Ducki3 <3