finally got the reason why boy doesnt like me....and my meal plan for getting him haha

I was hanging out with my best friend who I've been in love with since grade 10. So like 7+ years I think. Well we've always hung out and we were happy....then he asked me to be his girlfriend and I was in heaven but it didn't last long since he said we wouldn't work out, gave no reason at all. We both like each other and everyone thinks we will end up together but for some reason we never last when we say we're dating. So, Saturday I go over we're hanging out with the guys (yes my best friend is a guy) and then it's just us and we start talking about whatever, then came up the subject about if he was sleeping with someone else I would be mad, yes I would be I can't tell him that haha. Then I tell him that I've already got it thro my head that we won't be together and that I am trying to move on....tho clearly I am not since I think about him still. He's like you have a great personality and you're the nicest girl and we get along great but there is a reason why I can't date you....I was like ok say it he said hed sound ignorant....and then I knew where it was going. He finally tells me why even tho I had figured it out. It's cuz Im FAT. he didn't actually say fat he said someone who is bigger. He is fit so he wants someone that takes care of their body.....and that's what Im trying to do is loose weight by any means. 


Is it silly for me to loose weight because of him? I want to do it for me yes but more so for him....So my plan is to not see him for a month and for me to limit my calorie intake by a lot and work my ass off at the gym. 


I am starting today....
my plan is 

•  have a meal replacement shake for breakfast and dinner 
• eat lunch consisting of no more than 300 calories
•  I am back to measuring and paying attention on what I eat. I will cut out sweets, processed foods, don't use a lot of salt, and try not to snack....

As for a workout, I want to go to the gym for at least 2 hours  

• 30-40 minutes of cardio
• 20 minutes of weight training 

and/or

• 30-60 minutes of swimming or do a class

Wow, so realized I have been neglecting this...

I guess I've been busy with work and just not caring about anything anymore. I have been slacking at the gym, guys suck and my life is not what I want it to be at all. I know I am complaining and I could change everything but I just don't want to make an effort anymore. I find myself always tired, bored and have no energy to do anything.

I guess I am using this blog as a diary just letting all my feelings and thoughts out. I am sorry if I offend or make people uncomfortable. 

 BOYS:

I thought I got a boyfriend but guess I wasn't for him or so he tells me, it's cuz Im not thin and I'm not enough for him. He is more kinky then I am but still shouldn't he be giving me a chance? Of course I'm not going to be open about sex and do what he likes because I hate the way I look. All the time when I have sex the lights are off and my shirt stays on or if its a tube top I'll pull boobs out. Sorry to much to say haha. 

So, I am on a sex website, why I have no clue....it's a site where people meet other for sex pretty much or whatever they choose. I have met some guys it was alright, but the ones I did like I got attached to and guess what? they did not want me or just to have fun. I am tired of all that. I want a boyfriend or someone who cares about me. I think I may have found him tho he isn't looking for anything serious right now but we spend so much time talking and we hang out not just to fool around but to hang out. 

FOOD & GYM:

So, I started out strong at the gym and now seems like I don't care much anymore.  My eating has gone down hill big time. I find myself binging til I can't eat anymore and want to puke tho I rarely make myself. And then other days I don't want to eat anything. I am tired of looking at myself in the mirror and hating myself. So many times I have thought about taking a knife and just cutting myself just to get rid of this fat. I want to go die hard at the gym again and I think I will do just that. Eat one meal a day and after the gym have a piece of fruit or a veggies of any kind. I will have to make myself a workout schedule cuz the one right now is just not doing anything for me. And food wise, I don't have much to work with right now since I haven't gone grocery shopping so yay have no food to eat. Tho I do have a lot of peppers, I'll just eat those lol. 

LIFE:

I HATE HATE HATE. I just don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to work, don't want to hang out with anyone not that I have friends, I don't maybe 2 if you count them as friends. I suck at talking to people yet I work at a clothing store. lately I've been just sad and just want to cry, maybe I will do that Wednesday since I have the day off, have a cry fest and hot the gym. I know I may sounds crazy and I think I might be. I sort of want to see a therapist but scared to mention it to anyone. I just want someone to listen to me as I blab about anything even if it is bad. Like why I need the approval of people, why I feel like I have to have sex with a guy even if I barely know them. I am just tired about everything. I am now beginning to stress about bills I can't afford to pay anything anymore. I just don't want to sometimes as bad as that is, wish I made different choices in life. 

Well I guess I am done ranting for now, to go to sleep and wake up and go to work and yes I am going to the gym, going to work hard and eat less or I will try....I think it's cuz I've been way to emotional....hate when I eat my feelings haha

Well Good night World.

Ducki3 <3